22 things that will happen when the IPL is nationalised‏

22 things that will happen when the IPL is nationalised‏ as our beloved Lalu Yadav is demanding because his son was not selected to play:

1. The new Commissioner of the IPL, replacing Lalit Modi, will be an IAS officer, 1989 batch, transferred from the Food Corporation of India

2. Mayawati will demand, however, that the new Chairman should be her own candidate, Mr Dalit Modi.

3. The name of Mumbai Indians will immediately be changed to Mumbai Manus. It will, naturally, field only Maharashtrians (preferably Maharshtrian Brahmins). All other players will have their legs broken. Zaheer Khan will have his house burned down. So will Irfan Pathan, Yusuf Pathan and Mohammed Kaif.

4. The Chennai Super Kings team will be renamed Dravida Cricket Kazhagam. Subsequently one faction will break away and the team will split into DCK (DMK) and AIADCK, owing allegience to Karunanidhi and Jayalalitha, respectively.

5. Each political party will have its own team: BJP Bandits, Congress Cobras, CPI Cadres, Samajwadi Strikers, CPM Challengers, Trinamul Tigers, et cetera.

6. Auction of players will be replaced by teams calling for tenders for players. The lowest priced players will be picked.

7.  Cheerleaders will be replaced by honourable ministers who will give speeches during breaks in the match.

8. Sonia Gandhi will insist that 30% of each team should be reserved for be women.

9. Mayawati will demand SC~ST players will need to run for only 18 yards instead of 22 yards between the wickets.

10. Third Umpire requests will have to be filled in triplicate and duly notarised.

11. All Third Umpire decisions will be referred to a Joint Parlimentary Commission.

12. IPL tickets will henceforth be available at all post offices and BSNL centres from 10 a.m. to 12:45 p.m. The facility to purchase tickets on your cell phone will immediately be withdrawn.

13. Replacing an injured foreign player can be done only through a Tatkal application submitted 48 hours after a government doctor examines him.

14. Cheerleaders will be replaced by retired Air-India flight attendants.

15. The new cheerleaders will perform the folk dances of the states they represent during breaks.

16. IPL matches will be shown only on Doordarshan. They will be telecast the day immediately following the match, from 4 a.m. to 7:30 a.m. and subsequently from 3:30 a.m. to 7 p.m, subject to satellite link-up availability.

17. Between each innings break Doordarshan will telecast the news in Hindi, followed by news for the hearing impaired.

18. Agricultural shots can be played only during the phase of the game termed “Krishi Darshan”.

19. There will be no matches on weekends or on national/regional holidays.

20. The three stumps will be painted saffron, white and green.

21. Bowlers will have to bowl sarpatti and ghasssarkundi balls to the reserved players.

22. Pakistan will immediately announce its intention to start its own version of the tournament called PPL, and Mr Zardari will make a visit to Washington to meeet President Obama and seek an additional grant of $1 billion to fund it

IPL = Las Vegas

I  had posted the dangers of IPL the day it was launched 3 years ago. At that time many scoffed at what I wrote. I guess now people are finally getting wiser as to the threat that IPL poses not just to Indian cricket , world cricket but most importantly society at largel

At that time I wrote that for IPL to be a true success (considering the vast amounts of sums the franchise owners were putting in) it would have to eat into a BIG PORTION of not just Indian crickets pie but world cricket as well. Already we are seeing the dangers of how IPL is affecting certain cricket boards all over the world as players would much rather play just 6 to 7 weeks in a year and earn multiple times of what they would have earned playing for their country for the entire year. Of course not all players have been seduced by the “dark side” but eventually as IPL continues young and impressionable players may not be as “patriotic” as some of their predecessors….Mankad, Umrigar, Amarnath et al!!

Still, this is only part of the problem. There are many other problems that IPL has raised. I was skeptical of how IPL could return the investments of its owners EVEN IF IT BECAME A BIG SUCCESS.

Consider the following.

In order to boost up the equity (by just falsely increasing the perceptive brand value)  Lalit Modi just shot up the bids for the last two new franchises. They are still hurting as far as return on their equity on those amount. Now the two new franchises made a bid for around 1500 CRORES EACH. This gives them a return on equity of LESS THAN TWO PERCENT.  Just how stupid is that. Even if we take a stupendous increment in net profit by 4 to 5 times current earnings, their net return after an increase in brand value would amount to not very much. Just about 7 percent at best.The less than two percent return on equity plus the (probable increase intheir brandequity in terms of share value which may average out to 5 percent a year on a 8to 10 year period. 7 percent is less than the current bank rate interest being offered. So, just where is the logic in taking this kind of a risk?

The explanations are quite simple. IPL is a money laundering machine. There are quite a few super rich individuals in our country who earn hundreds of crores a year. These people have no way of showing even a fraction of this money as it has been illegally earned. Unlike a businessman who can pay tax and a penalty on his black money to make it white money (asthe mode of earning is legal but the illegality is in avoiding taxes),these guys cannot declare this income as it has been earned due to illegal and corrupt means. Just admitting having it would mean a jail sentence. Therefore, the only way to make this white legal money is by investing this black money into legitimate businesses. The object here is not so much a return on their equity as it is to convert their illgotten and illegalgains into legal white money. Here even if the business venture is making a loss people invest in such ventures. If the business ends up making a profit as well its a bonus.

In this whole mess there are also allegations of match fixing and betting.  An enterprise like IPL is defintely ripe grounds for the betting mafia , diving line between betting n fixing is very thin when the stakes are too high. Paul Condon of the ICC anti corruption unit has already written on how IPL is a bomb waiting to explode in terms of the match fixing that may be taking place. He suggested that the anti corruption unit of the ICC should oversee all the IPL matches. The fees for this was a mere 1.2 million dollars or about 5.3 crores. This is peanuts when you take the staggering amounts involved in IPL. IF IPL WAS INDEED AN ORGANISATION ON THE UP AND UP AND WANTED TO PROJECT ITSELF AS SUCH THEY WOULD HAVE GRABBED THIS OPPORTUNITY WITH OPEN ARMS. HOWEVER, LALIT MODI REFUSED AND SAID THE AMOUNT BEING ASKED WAS TOO MUCH.ICC , incidentaly is being renamed as Impotent Cricket Council(ICC), they have been influenced ,too, big time by the money power of India in  Cricket!!!

To pay an amount less than 1 percent of earnings to secure the tournament from the disaster seems a bit too much. Why is that? Its not the amount that bothered  Modi but the idea that the anti corruption unit would not allow any match fixing thereby not allowing some of the owners to earn through /betting match fixing and thereby give them more return on their equity. Betting/ Match fixing would allow some of the owners to not only convert some of their illgotten gains which were illegally earned to become white money but would also allow them to earn more illegal money on their initial investments through match fixing. A win win situation on all counts. Of course none of this would be possible with Paul Condon and the anti corruption branch of the ICC monitoring all of the matches. So, Lalit Modi refused.

IPL although being vastly popular  has already dented the image of cricket big time. In our country most of the people watching IPL don’t care who wins. They just watch it for fun and driven by the society complusions.”Oh, I did not see you at Eden during IPL”, means you are no one in Society!!! In fact many youngsters(IPL great hit with the ladies as well , n why not) don’t even care if betting/match fixing is going on. They will still watch it as fun like watching a fictional movie…AVATAR!!

However, as long as the millions in India watch IPL matches irrespective of whether match fixing and betting exists the IPL will continue to earn its millions. However, its cannibilism on cricket’s other products like test cricket and one day cricket has already taken place.No one would even remember Ranji trophy, Duleep trophy and  Irani trophy . Further cannibalism will continue. The very nature of cricket is already in danger due to match
fixing and betting. As long as the millions in India don’t care, as they get this lovely entertainment of cricket (fake or real), and beautiful sexy women, combined with the opportunity to bet and enjoy oneself, IPL will continue in India as it has become India’s Las Vegas.

Passing Shot…
More n more SHOW CAUSE notices to Lalit Modi, charges of dividing the world cricket
since just 45 days of IPL is not enough to get the returns on investments, efforts to GLOBALISE IPL …but how about the role of Pataudi, Gavaskar n Shastri who are a part and parcel of IPL governing body, they are cricketers of repute..where have they been during the last 3 years?You need the likes of Bobby Talayarkhan(MID DAY)and Late Moti Nandi(Ananda Bazar Patrika) to highlight these dark and ghory  sides of the biggest invention of the century..the IPL!!

My friends

I have been blessed with great friends who are far more prolific writers than I pretend to be. Because of the public positions they hold, not all are giving me the liberty to attribute their names to their articles that I would post on this blog. There is no intention to plagiarism.

The next one on IPL is posted verbatim without giving credits to this great friend of mine, much as I would want it though